What should i do in preparation for a divorce

This sucks. But you will survive. If you commit to small, daily changes—little wins—and connect with others in vulnerable relationships, you will come out stronger. I rarely, if ever, encourage divorce. In almost every situation, I want people to save their marriage—to put in the hard work and rebuild a stronger, more beautiful, lasting union. Divorce feels lonely and cold.

Some days you want to crawl into bed and never come out. But it cannot be your chief coping strategy. You need to take care of yourself more on that soon. You need other people. Not your kids and not just your parents. You need a gang. A tribe. A carload of 2 a. These people should have good boundaries, thick skin and your best interests in mind. Do two things when choosing your support team. First, choose people who can support you in different areas—because divorce affects every square inch of your life.

Second, let each person help in appropriate ways. Your attorney is not your therapist. Your therapist is not your friend. Your friend is not your attorney unless they really are an attorney. Sometimes, talking to a trusted family member or friend is fine in a moment of need. But I always recommend meeting with a professional counselor or minister. You may just need one session, or you may need some deep healing. Either way, let your friends be your friends and lean on professionals for the heavy lifting.

During divorce, your body switches into fight-or-flight mode and makes tons of adrenaline and cortisol. Keeping those stress chemicals in your system for a long time is unhealthy. Hit the gym with a friend.

Go for walks with a work buddy at lunch. Eat well. Choose less caffeine, less alcohol, less Netflix and less loneliness. While you can complete an amicable divorce with a ton of mutual maturity, most people need a divorce lawyer. A good lawyer will help you understand your rights, responsibilities and all the legal talk so you can make educated choices about your future.

Just make sure your attorney has the heart of a teacher, not the heart of a nuclear demolition expert. Hear me on this: You will not win if you use your attorney as a weapon to wage war against your ex. You might get the house, the dresser or the dog. But you will lose your dignity and hurt your kids. You win when you let your lawyer help you legally close the relationship, then move on. Besides, every exchange with a lawyer costs money.

Financial changes will be some of your biggest stressors, so talk to a financial planner. For now, find a trustworthy local broker who can get you the best rates and the most coverage. Divorce causes deep pain in your soul. You may question your worth or judgment: How could this person leave you?

How could you pick someone who would hurt you so badly? What is wrong with you? What was wrong with them? People will come out of the woodwork saying stupid, misguided things about you, God and your future. But the truth is—no matter your faith—you are worth love and respect. God has not left you. You are valuable. Divorce hurts kids. Relational tension, drawn-out court battles, trashing your spouse, using your kids as bargaining chips and hiding things from them all create lasting trauma.

Go with an attorney who has at least five to 10 years of experience practicing family and divorce law. You'll want to get a clear picture of where you and your spouse stand financially. One of the primary goals of the divorce process is to make an equitable distribution of marital assets and debts. In order to get your fair share during divorce settlement negotiations, it's important to understand all of your finances beforehand.

First, determine what you own. Some marital assets are obvious. It's clear that your home, any financial accounts, and vehicles are assets that should be split equitably. Other not-so-obvious assets may include artwork, pension plans, inheritances, or belongings brought into the marriage. Next, determine what you owe. It doesn't matter whose name any debts are in, any money owed will be split based on who is more financially able to pay the debt. The easiest way to determine marital debt is to get a copy of your credit report.

Any debt you have will be listed there. After a divorce, it can be difficult to purchase a home or a car because you may have shared credit with your spouse for many years. That's why it's important to establish your own and build up a good credit score. A simple way to do this is to obtain a credit card that's in your name only. Before filing for divorce, you'll need documentation showing you and your spouse's income. If you and your spouse are salaried employees, you will need a copy of your most recent pay stubs and your most recent income tax return.

Determining income is a bit more difficult if you or your spouse are self-employed. In such a case, copies of bank account statements and financial business statements will give a clear picture of income. It's a good idea to make copies of these statements before filing for divorce. Even if you're only able to get an estimate of what your spouse's true income is, gather as much information as you can and your attorney can help get the rest.

Sometimes it's done out of anger and sometimes it's done on the advice of an adversarial divorce attorney. Whatever the case may be, you'll want to protect yourself and keep your spouse from being able to clean out any joint accounts you have together. If you fear your spouse doing this, you can protect yourself by opening accounts in your name alone, remove half the funds from the joint accounts, and deposit them into your new accounts.

You don't have to hide the fact that you've done this, but you'll want to be sure not to spend the money foolishly. Document every penny you spend so that it can be accounted for it during settlement negotiations or in court. If it is determined that one or both parents have a substance abuse problem, this may cause the court to limit or deny custody and visitation privileges.

Set up a new email account and PO box. You do not want your spouse intercepting sensitive and critical information that you will be exchanging with various parties. Keep your privacy intact by also possibly getting a separate phone number as well. Decide what is separate property vs. This will have a huge bearing on how assets are divided. In general, separate property is that which was acquired before marriage or after the date of separation.

Marital property is that which was acquired during the course of marriage. There are exceptions, such as with gifts or inheritances. This will vary slightly from state to state, so be sure to do your homework to legal protect what it yours. Service members are afforded certain protections under federal laws. For example, under the Servicemembers Civil Relief Act , active military members are protected from default judgements while on active duty.

This protection was put in place because no servicemember should be distracted by legal issues such as a divorce while actively serving in another state or country. Some parts of a divorce will follow individual state laws, and there are special residency issues and retirement issues that should be considered when going through a military divorce.

Bifurcation as a possible alternative. Bifurcation splits a divorce into two separate actions. The first half of the bifurcation satisfies the grounds for divorce. The second part deals with things that may have become sticking points such as child custody, visitation, child support, alimony or other issues that are keeping the divorce from being finalized.

Some states allow bifurcation while others do not because it can prolong a marriage and creates judicial inefficiencies through the need for two trials instead of one. Check your state laws if this is a possibility for you.

Who gets custody of Fido? Believe it or not, deciding who gets custody of the family pet can lead to major battles. Pets can endure stress in a break-up just like any other family member. They should not be used a leverage or as a means of spite against the other spouse. California is one of a handful of states leading divorcing pet owners into a new era with the recent passage of Assembly Bill Divorces cost money, so budget accordingly.

How you choose to proceed will have a direct impact on how much your divorce will cost. Generally, the more cooperative you are with your spouse, the cheaper the experience will be. You really need to consider whether spending a couple thousand dollars versus tens of thousands of dollars is going to benefit you in the long run.

Pull your credit report. The first step in splitting up your debts is identifying them. They only care about you meeting your financial obligations. So, if your name is attached to a debt, whether you know it or not, you are legally responsible to pay it. Start closing joint accounts. Even in an amicable divorce, a spouse may abdicate their responsibility to pay a debt they have been assigned.

You need to unwind your financial relationship with the other person as soon as it is feasible to protect yourself. The flip side to this is to open separate bank accounts. Denying access by your spouse to your funds is critical. Keep things clean and start taking a big step toward financial independence.

Start building your credit. Divorce can do a number on your credit score. Give serious thought to your future housing situation. Do you want to keep the house? Can you afford to keep the house? Think through your housing options and begin to do your due diligence. How much is your house worth? How much would it cost to rent? How much would it cost to buy a new house?

This is one of the biggest decisions that will frame your post-divorce life, so spend a lot of time on it from a rational, financial and an emotional standpoint. Give serious thought to your future job options. If you have been a primary caregiver or stay at home spouse, you may need some serious training or schooling to make you more attractive in the job market. Where you work may also be impacted, especially if you have child custody and visitation issues to resolve.

Research apartments or homes for rent. If you have children keep in mind school districts. This will show all debts and accounts Retirement Accounts Obtain current balance for any K accounts or retirement accounts Investment Accounts Obtain current balance statements for all stock, bond, and investment accounts. Passwords Change your passwords to all of your social media, e-mail, and online accounts.

New E-mail Account One of the most forgotten methods to prepare for divorce is to change your email address. Health Insurance Research and explore your health insurance options before the divorce process is complete.

Obtain copy of health insurance policy Obtain copy of health savings account Make a copy of health insurance documents Personal Property Make a list of all assets such as furniture, art, and jewelry. Calculate the approximate value of each item Make a list of items that are important to you and would like to keep Power of Attorney Determine whether you need to revoke any power of attorney documents that name your spouse as your agent.

Business Information If you own a business, contact an attorney. Change beneficiaries to any retirement and investment accounts as soon as you separate if possible, then you can change the beneficiaries again as needed after the divorce is finalized. Take the Next Step. Learn Your Rights.